I’ve suffered from migraines since before I could even go to school. I’ve been to many doctors and tried many things.
They are, unfortunately, just a fact of life.
Though the frequency and intensity changes, for the last year or so I’ve been in a particularly bad patch.
And the thing about chronic pain is that even when you generally accept it as a fact of your life, there are still times when you find yourself completely emotionally overwhelmed.
It makes sense. Being in pain is hard. Dealing with a chronic invisible illness in this culture is hard.
I’m not sure there’s a way around it.
When I find myself at my breaking point I find that I often feel desperate to make the pain – both the physical and the emotional – stop. I find myself Googling through one eye squinted in pain, looking for advice that will calm me down.
I look for advice that will help me put it into perspective, help me from feeling like it’s so unfair, like it’s too much to deal with, like it shouldn’t be this way!
Of course I find advice that’s perfectly reasonable. Practice acceptance. Practice gratitude. Meditate. “Self Care.”
But when I feel like that I’m not feeling reasonable.
Looking for advice during those dark times is literally looking for a rational answer to an irrational problem.
There’s no way around, only the way through.
I wait.
And in time, the waiting becomes an acceptance of waiting.
Which becomes the acceptance of pain.
Which becomes a kind of peace again.
And then I can continue on until next time.